Made you feel better

I'm doing better now. Restricting went ok yesterday (if you look away from the goddamn CAKE one of the girls in class baked for english... I took the smallest piece I could find though, which is good). I'm now 56,2 kg on my period. At least that's SOMETHING. I've lost 2,2 kg since the MNF started.
Today I'm going to go to the café again. I feel really motivated, when I sit there I don't think about food at all and I go into super-productive mode. Today I feel better and I'm going to try a fast.

I forgive myself

Okay, I know I said this and that and I've been bad, but I thought about what Ninah said about restricting. I just need to restrict right now for a little while and fast the days I don't feel exhausted (but not binge the other days though), because right now school is killing me. Finals coming up etcetra etcetra, and a semester assignment. I fall asleep the moment I come home. I can't do this if I'm going to finish this ever. But I'm going to try my best. I will be 50 by june, easy.
Today I've eaten 1 apple, 1 pear and a small plain baguette with nothing on it. I needed this.
I don't know what I weigh. I really want to fast too, but I need to focus on school. I can hardly wait for summer...

Rewind

Edit: Ninah and gottabsomebody: I just want to thank you. You really helped with your comments which I didn't read until after I posted! I felt really bad for today, and weren't motivated to begin with... I'm sort of bad at restricting though, it's either all or nothing sort of. Because I have so much to think about it's easier to just think "no food" than counting calories and planning meals day by day.
Again, thanks so much, I wish you nothing but success in anything you wish to accomplish!
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What am I DOING?! My top priority is still to not get caught, but I can't just give in when someone offers me food. It was a lot easier to resist last week. I need to get back in track. Today has been an endless failure, and it needs to stop. NOW. This is the end and the beginning. I'm fasting until 1st of May. Starting now. I won't count the days, I'll make the days count. I will not admit defeat.
After May first (hopefully I'll be 50 kg or less by then, but I won't step on the scale until I'm there) I will eat fruit, veggies and soft foods for about a week, and exercise. A lot.
After that I'll try to establish a healthier relationship towards food. With food high in fiber and proteines and low on empty carbs. And I want to build some abs and muscles.
I will do this. Tomorrow is a perfect day to start, I have school, then a few hours to drink coffee in a café, then a meeting and after that I can basically just go to bed.
I'll keep it up. I mean come on, only 11 days. Less than two weeks.
What sucks though is that this girl in my class who is not very talkative is hosting this get-together at her place. "Cake eating meeting". I really want her to be more included because she seems so nice, and I want to be there. But I need to prioritize this.
Because the rehab-ana in my class (let's call her "Red") will notice at once. She has a hawkeye out for all the girls in class I think.

Anyways, I'll have to think up an excuse. Today I've been binging and purging and I feel fat and disgusting.
There's no way I'm stepping on the scale. Not in 11 days. Until then I'll just be fat and ugly and avoid full figure mirrors.

Goo goo g'joob

I feel unbelievably fat, horrid and disgusting right now.
I stayed over at a friends place last night. It was me and 4 boys (I mostly keep guys for friends, to skip the drama and they are a lot more fun to hang out with + they share the same interests as me). I couldn't risk them telling on me (to my 2 best girl-friends, I think they might...) so I ate and broke the fast after 120 hours. DAMN IT!
And since I stayed over, it continued in the morning and now it's night and I'm gonna have to fast tomorrow. I don't even dare to step on the scale now... I am the lardfucking Walrus.

Those last days before I broke it, I felt like complete shit though. I was dead tired all the time, I fell asleep the second I laid down, I couldn't concentrate, and let alone exercise much.
I was also rather pissy at times. Well, it's back to that now I guess.
I will do this, I will do this. I might have to break again in the future, but I'm sure as hell not giving up.
50 kg by June is my goal. I think it's rather realistic.

Too depressed to post pictures, sorry girls. I hope you're doing better than I am.

Understand that Ana wrapped you like a bow

Day 4: Wow, this was unexpected. I weighed myself this morning. I was 55,5 kilos. This means I've lost 1,4 kilos since yesterday! (3,5 pounds)
I haven't really broken the fast, but I've been slacking off a little today. Only because I'm really tired, and I lost about as much I expected to lose in 3 days plus in a single day.
But yeah, I haven't eaten anything solid, but I've been drinking a blueberry tea resembling juice, and it's kind of sweet. It's to strengthen my immune system, because it kind of sucks. And when I'm sick, people around me are pushing all the time to get me to eat and drink.
Yeah, and I've had some liqorice mints. But they were really small...
And I also chewed food and spat it out so that my stepdad would see (not the spitting, of course).
I rinsed with water though. I don't think I swallowed anything, if so they were not much more than particles.

I'm so proud, because I've never fasted this long before. And the results are truly amazing...
95 hours, I've lost 3 kilos and my BMI has gone from 22,7 to 21,5.
Can hardly wait to get past 55, and not to MENTION 54! I haven't been on 53pointwhatever. I can't remember being below 54,3.

Hope you're doing good! Keep it up, it pays off and gets easier (although I've been a little tempted today... I might stop at 50, it all depends.)

PS: I've dreamt 2 nights in a row now that I was being force fed. It was a huge relief to wake up.

Slowly, but surely

Day 3. Is this seriously supposed to be the hardest day? Please. Easier than yesterday. Yesterday I was so dead tired I fell asleep in the afternoon.
I was very close to fucking it all up though, but I lured myself out of it.
I was at the café I used to work at, drinking coffee (I think I had about 6 cups and 1 cup of tea... Whew) and talking to my ex-boss (I think she enjoys this).
She suddenly decided after reading recipes that she wanted to try and make fried onion rings. She urged me to have one, I said only a small piece, "I'm not that fond of onion". I chew it, went behind the corner pretending to wash my hands, spat it into a paper tissue and rinsed my mouth thoroughly with water.

As if this was not enough, at first she asked if I wanted soup. Or bread. I'm sure these will be convenient offers when I move out, but not now. I said "No thanks."
Then she asked how long it was since I ate, and I said I just did.
After the onion affair, she even cut off a piece of apple cake. I'm sure it would have been delicious, because Rose, the lady who bakes for the café is really good.
But I didn't even want it.

There's one thing that makes me anxious though. In my class at school, there are quite some girls who has been or still are Ana. One of the girls stopped by and had a coffee with me. She has had the most serious case. Once she fasted for around 30 days (even though she was pretty skinny beforehand...) and ended up in the hospital before she was sent to a clinic in our neighboring country. She ony got to go out to draw fresh air, supervised.
She weighed about the same as a 6 year old girl.
Anyways, she talked to me about ED's, because she's being suspicious of one of the girls in class.
She said that she looked like she had lost a lot of weight lately, and we know that she has had anorexia before. I didn't notice at all...
She said she was very observant when it comes to this because she's been there.
I hope she doesn't notice too much on my side, no one knows about my complicated relationship with food and I'd like it to stay that way.

I get to work this weekend. For one day, but better than nothing. If I can't get a job soon, I'm going nuts, I swear.
I talked a little bit to my (hopefully) roommate to come today. I need to stop liking him as more than a friend. I'm downright pathetic. No, really. I've tried to give up on him so many times already, but he gives such mixed signals I have no clue what to think anymore. Screw it.

I weighed myself this morning. I was 56,9 kg. Meaning I lost 1,5 kilos in 59 hours.
My BMI has gone from 22,7 to 21,9.
I'll keep it up, and I will weigh myself every 3 days.

Stay strong, everyone!

Damn

So guess who broke the fast by being force fed PIZZA? Me.





...But then I woke up.
Gotcha there, didn't I? So I've been fasting for 44 hours now, and I'm still going strong. Day 3 is usually one of the hardest days though, right? That's tomorrow.
Anyway. I was serious before. This morning while I turned off my alarm and snoozed for half an hour, I dreamt that I was being force fed with pizza. By one of the extremely few persons I like in this world. Actually, he's my favorite person of all. He's the only person I ever fell in love with, and I haven't felt different in 3 years. I've almost won him over about 2 times now, but as for the time being, we're just friends. Alas, if I can only get that job we'll be moving out together this summer. As friends. But I'm ok with even that, because I like him so much merely as a person.
But yeah, he might be the only one I couldn't refuse if it came down to it, and he asked if I wanted pizza (hahah, my mother just called downstairs this very moment IRL. "Do you want pizza?" I replied "No thanks.") and when I said no, he fed it to me. I was so upset because I broke the MSF, and I woke up with a sweaty forehead. Glad it was a dream.

I don't think he would ever do something like that for real though. Besides, he can be very absent minded, so if I haven't become thin, established a healthy eating/exercising pattern by the time we move out I'm not sure if he'd notice me not eating. Or maybe when it comes to dinner, but I can say I ate out and the rest is cakewalk.
But then again, he'd probably want to split money for dinner. Hm.
But if the MSF works (no, when it works) I will have laid a great foundation for being happy with myself and healthy.
Today I've had 1 juicy fruit gum and 3 or 4 cups of coffee. When I bought coffee at 7 eleven though, they had some bargain offer and I was thinking "Wow, that looks good, I should buy that" but then I remembered, hey, I'm on a fast. Everything suddenly looked so good, and I wouldn't mind eating pizza either. But I won't.
The weaker I feel, the stronger I am. Come to me, dizziness, come to me weightloss.