Day 5 - The Downfall of Us All

I don't even want to THINK about this weekend, which was just a big pile of fail.
But I'm back now. I've been fasting today and I've even gone to the gym.
I burned 400 calories.
Also, I realized that the fasting has killed my biceps completely. I'm about as strong as a pudding.

It was a bit embarassing, because even the guy behind the counter noticed that I hadn't been there for a long time. He COMMENTED on it.
And he also said "I looked foxy today." What the ruddy hell?
He's kinda old and bald [very] and big. It was funny.
I had a glass of AJ today (2 green apples).
The MNF is in works again. I was 55 this morning which is a wonder. Not only could I not fast this weekend, it was a complete takeoff. Fucking man on the fucking moon. FUCK.
But a lot was food weight I guess. I won't weigh myself before wednesday or thursday now. Hopefully, I'll be below 54, the big boss.

Today I learned something strange, it's been longer since my A and R has had sex than me. Half a year? ONE YEAR?! I would've gone insane for sure.
Especially weird for R, she used to be the biggest horndog ever.

I'm drowning in homework. I'm really stressed.

She's the Queen of my Delusion

All in all considering, the outcome wasn't so bad. 54,4 kg. It's 1 days wasted labor, plus another where I should have done better. I want to work out today in addition to fasting, but I don't know if my cousin could show us the apartment or not. She hasn't called me back.
Still, it's that block! Like a really tough boss in a game...

It's still morning, I'm up earlier than usual.
Yesterday I inherited (uh) some more clothes from, pay attention, my mother's friend's daughter.
I overlooked some. Or rather a lot. Half of the clothes she threw out would be about as much as I have in my entire closet.
And there are a lot of brands, which personally I've never cared much for.
I've fallen in love with a pair of pants. They're camo. I remember when I was about 11, and I had a pair of camo pants I wanted to wear all the time. This one, however, is HUGE. I'm rolling up the ends and using a belt on the narrowest hole.
And there's this other really long black raincoat (but the fabric isn't, you know, all raincoatish).
If you button it up, it looks very lady-like. But if you don't, and this is exactly why I love it, it looks like it came straight out of the Matrix.
I've always, since the first time I saw the movie for the first time back in '99 (I was 7), wanted something like it.

Day Fail - Karma Police

Darn. I had to eat today. Not because I felt ill or anything (although I did a little), but because I was forced. By more than one source. I was already struggling to resist temptation, for the first time since I started. And lucky me, that's just the day people start noticing me not eating.
I was with my father for quite some time today. We went to the grocery store together. He said "Do you want pizza? I don't know how much to buy," and I said that I just ate.
"No you didn't, I've been with you for almost 5 hours and your lunch break is at noon."
Friends have also been offering, all the time. Just when I'm at my weakest. That's karma for you.
Karma's a bitch. But then again, so am I.

So that failed. I said I felt a little nauseous, but that didn't work either because he said that could be because I hadn't eaten, that I should try to eat some and that he didn't want me to pull any anorexia business or anything (honestly, he doesn't know. )
I managed to escape the pizza though, so I had salad with a very small amount of chicken, feta cheese and dressing, and some paprika chunks and 2 pasta pieces.
He said it was too little, so I also ate 1 green apple and a fat free yoghurt.
When I went to the bathroom, I vomited. My stomach is not used to getting food at this point, so it just came up. Not all of it, I'm sure.
This also happened when I came home, had an omelette (WITH CHEESE! IRK! My mother made it...) this other bread crumby thing, and a bowl of oatmeal.

But all in all, it's not that horrible considering I could've gone crazy and binged on bread (or toast) which I really want, and fries and chips and liqorice. These are the things I would eat. But I won't.
Yesterday, my mother had me look at some secondhand clothes she got from a friend, whose 26 year old daughter had cleaned out her closet. I wore a pair of Diesel jeans today, and I've never had any pair of jeans that expensive that I can remember, and a pullover.
My mom said I looked thin in them. Both of them.
What the hell. At first I thought she said the pullover looked thin, like the fabric.
Just wait until I look thin in whatever.
Do the day and let the day do you.
I'll start afresh tomorrow, energy renewed. Errr, I'll call it "Day 5" though.
Oh! That IS the official start of the MNF too though. I just got a little head start here. Sweet.
I was 54 blank this morning. Hopefully, I haven't gained too much. I have to break that block!
What sucks is that gym class was canceled, the teacher called in sick.

Day 4 - Chase This Light

Good morning, muses! (Well, at least it was morning when I wrote this, I will update the current on the end of this post.)

I couldn't help it. I had to run a status check. I was 54,4 this morning, after a cup of coffee.
Totally worth it, I lost 4 kg (8,8 lbs) since mid-april. 54 has always been a milestone, or rather a BITCH blocking the road shouting "Thou shalt not passsssss!", for me. I can't remember being below 54,3 actually. Which means I will probably want to weigh in tomorrow as well, just to inspire myself.

I am untouchable! Fasting is going great, I'm pretty energetic unlike last time. I'm really happy today. This might be Chase's fortune, or the fact that results are showing, but he is no doubt a motivational catalyst. I want to be as good as I can. It'd make me feel a lot better being rejected and know that I was the best I could be, than to feel like I could've made it if I tried harder. Personality wise, I won't change. And we get along great, so it's not a problem. I'm not saying I want him to want me for my body (I mean, he obviously doesn't mind that much), but what if I could be irresistable? Being beautiful is a great way to win someone over. In the long run, personality is what matters the most.

That's that, here's for the now:

I'm wearing the skirt I bought, which I like a lot. It's probably my favorite piece of clothing right now.
I have officially fasted for 96 hours now. If you don't count the beer. But hello, 54,4.
And I had a little OJ today, with the total content of one orange.
I also had to make people think I ate, so I had dinner. But I didn't HAVE dinner. I spit it all out, and rinsed my mouth thoroughly between each bite. I didn't accidentally swallow anything, and made sure that even the taste was gone after rinsing.
Me and my 2 friends made up, or there was really nothing to make up I guess. Just me being pissed that day. I came with them to shop, even though I kind of dislike shopping. But I tried on a dress in European size 34, and except for my boobs being squeezed to the extent that they almost popped out, it actually fit. Woah. I've been using 36 for a long time now.
My friend R told me "Not to sound rude, I do like your others, but that is one of the best looking dresses I've ever seen on you."
Yay.
My belly is looking flatter. I think I'm going to post a progress picture tomorrow, although it might not be THAT big of a change.

What made today even better was that I ran into my father. He's out of the hospital, and he's looking good. Apparently it was his blood pressure or something. He had passed out in the bathroom of a mall, and next thing he remembered was waking up in the ambulance. When falling, he broke his phone (so that's why he couldn't call, I even saw proof. Plus he said he was even thinking about coming to my school and leaving a message for me to the seceretary).
He lost my number. Mine's not in the phone book. And I got hard solid proof about the phone.
Daddy dearest, I love you.
He's being so supportive of me wanting to move out, too. And he can't see why it should be an issue. This is JUST the kind of encouragement I need, and probably the main reason why I cannot stand my mother for the life of me. If all else fails, maybe I'll change legal guardianship, but I don't know how that works out (especially since he's an alcoholic), and I really shouldn't screw up the relationship I have with my mother even further.
Who knows, maybe I'm fretting too much over this. Maybe she'll let me go easy. I sure hope so, it would be so much smoother for everyone.
Also, I'm considering working out afterwards, but I don't want to wear myself out either. We'll see.


Hope you're seeing the results you want as well.
All the best!
-Gripsoul

Day 3 - Walk This Way

Still going strong! Even stronger, in fact. Nothing but double americanos, and make 'em triple, and water water water. The spring of life. I had some Cola Zero just now, and it kind of hurt drinking it. Weird. It got better though.
The only annoying thing about drinking so much is nature calls (and boy does it) about all the time.
Another thing I've noticed, and I have absolutely no idea if this is because of the fast or mere coinsidence, but my legs keep falling asleep. You know, pricking sensations. Yesterday at the café I didn't notice until I took a step. I broke down to my knees. It was quite embarrassing, really.
It might be nothing (but a little amusing actually), but I can't remember it ever being an issue before.
Also, today I've been having blue vision when getting up too fast. Sweeeet, the hunger pains I've been feeling seem like a really small price to pay as of now.
"Pain is just something you feel", my father says. True dat.
I've never felt like I could do this more than now. I know I can, I'm positive like two negatives.
And eating because it hurts too much starving is some major BS. It's all in your head (unless you've gone a really long time of course, or start experiencing things that could be severe), and more the fact that you are tempted.

My math test, on which I thought I was screwed [Cosine etcetc], went OK. I did 3/4 parts. If I did them correctly, now, that's a whole different question.


Hm, at this point I'm thinking that hey, maybe all I needed was a little sex. Haha, I've come to realize I sound like such a crackwhore on this blog right here. The truth: I dislike drugs, I only think weed's OK (Number of caused deaths throughout history: None) and I'm not cheap either. I'm very picky about guys. As I said, I only fell in love once. Because we're rather like-minded (in my humble opinion and expression anyways), and I think sex should be special. Unless really drunk. In that section I guess we're not so much alike. It's not that I don't want any, hell I could do 3-5 rounds a day. But not with just anyone. And I'm naïve, I ignore signals people are sending when they don't go well with the outcome I want. I'll stop going on about this until something happens now. So sorry. You must think me batshit.

My skirt arrived from Hong Kong today! About time. The straps are waaaay too long though. I'll have to sew them in. But it fit, and it's very cute.

I want your...

I'm updating from my iPhone, so please excuse errors, laziness and lack of pictures...

Anyways. Yesterday went fine, with a tiny slip-up which I couldn't help. Honestly. I still don't consider this actually breaking the fast, but I had a beer (100 kcal). Then again I got some unexpected exercise. Oh! And my waistline has minced by 4cm or so since last I checked, which is quite a while ago.

Now to how last night went down...
I don't know what's going on here. Chase was slightly tipsy egen I arrived. He'd been to Denmark and brought back heaps of cheap ale. He offered, I said no thanks. But he gave me one anyway. I had it. Oh well, we were drinking in his single bed while watching TV. I could feel his hand on my leg. We started kissing and this lead to that. I feel obese during sex. Disgusting. But quite worth it. This time I KNOW there were no strings... What made me feel bad is that he said it'd been 2 weeks for him, and he made it sound like such a long time.
And what might be worse is me not caring, and enjoying being taken advantage of.
I know he knows he shouldn't. I know he knows I still like him. I know. But I don't care. One day, when I'm thin and beautiful, I want him to fall for me. 
It made my day a lot better too. What can I say, I like smex. I almost missed the last bus at 11.55 pm. I wanted to miss it a little, but I don't like being a burden either. I ran, so SCORE! I got some more exercise. I also got yelled at this morning by my mother.

I hope this weekend works out... Sigh. Life is annoyingly complex sometimes. 
Today is day 3 and I'm doing better than yesterday. No cravings, no juice, only americanos, cigarettes and water.  

All you need is...

Take note that this post won't include thinspiration or anything. It's just rants and more rants, with a hint of rants. If you read between the lines, you might also locate some rants in there.

I just feel like letting my nervousity out on here... (sheeee's a semi-neurotic angsty teenager of action doobidoobidoo-ah)

I called my cousin. She said she's coming to the city this weekend, and that we might get the chance to see the appartment then. She also said "Is this okay with your mum then?"

...

Well see, that's the bulls eye of shit exactly. Thing is; (semi-colon. So literary. /tear) She's always really negative to all decisions I make. Most of the time. Even though I'm doing good in school, not failing any subjects and trying my hardest. But yeah. Apparently, she's worrying about my economy. Well. If I get that maids job undercover I'm fit. Plus there's only 5 months (counting from July, when I'm planning to move out) until I turn 18, and I'm more than capable of taking decisions like this for myself. I know, I probably sound like an immature kid here, thinking her parents are dummies. That's not the case. Me and my mother has had a very rocky relationship to say the least. I can't stand to be in the same room as her for a longer period of time. I don't like it, but that's the way the river flows.
My father is an alcoholic, lives in a place the size of a cupboard and blah-blah-blah.
In addition to this, she dislikes Chase. I think. She used to be his teacher, and was bitching all around (he's also my brothers friend, so he used to hang around). She thinks he's a slob or a lazy bum or something, hahah. Most people who don't know him well get this impression. It might be true to a certain extent, but everyone has flaws (and boy do I give a rats ass about his).



So there's that. My father fancies me moving out a grand idea, and he likes him. Me and my dad have always been hiveminds.
My stepfather is a bit sceptical, but not negative. Supportive.
My psychiatrist thinks it's for the best. And one thing is for certain, I'm going to raise hell if she refuses. I never ask them for anything. This is really important to me. In fact, I can't remember ever being this passionate about a decision ever.

Sorry for the endless rambling.
Nervousity, yes. I called him (cigarette fingers shaking), and told him about this weekend. He said it sounded good. There was this awkward silence at one point. I was blabbering like a moron. I hate talking over the phone. I hope it works out though, I'd like to see him.
We had,
-his proposition of course,
decided to move out as friends. Which definitely flies with me.

But then it got a bit awkward, after I visited and we didn't pay attention to the time. I missed the last bus, and he told me I could crash at his place. He has one single bed.
We were watching "American Dad", and he asked me if I was sleepy. I was dead tired.
He told me I could lay down if I wanted, so I did. Then he told me to move closer. I reconed he meant closer to the wall for better space, but he dragged me it to rest up against him. I was closing my eyes, ready to let Mr. Sandman do his thing, but I felt his gaze shift back and forth between the TV and myself.
I felt his breath against my chin, and he kissed me. I was carried away, said so-long-sucker and checked my sense of reason at the door.

We had sex (INTERCOURSE TO BE UNPROPER. Let me tell you 'bout the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees and the moon up above and a thing called love), and I fell asleep with his arms around me. I woke up some time during the night, and we were holding hands.
Wat.
But the morning after, we didn't mention it. It slipped us by, and I guess that means an implied "no strings attached". He's basically horny most of the time.

But do you know how that feels? Having the only person you care more about than yourself, the only person you could die for (I might hate myself, but I'm also selfish. Aren't we all.), the only person you ever loved hold you, the only person whose smile can make you smile that much -kiss you...
Listening to his heart beating and the sound of his even breathing only to know that the spell wears off the second you almost wake up in his eyes.
For a little time there, I felt like the most blessed person in the world.

EDIT!: Oh em effing GEE stay-cool-but-I'm-giddy-like-a-schoolboy, life flows better with Visa (IRRELEVANCY DETECTED), sweet lord in heaven fuck me backwards and throw me a dime.
Yeah. He called me back. I'm going to his place afterwards (gotta finish math first), we're gonna watch a movie. Boondock Saints: All saints day to be exact. Sometimes things are good. Oh shit. I just realized I look like hell. OH WELL. Feels good man.
I'm retarded.

"The course of true love never did run straight" -William Shakespeare