This is my ribcage. If you're not here to support, get out. If you're an outsider, get out. However, if you are here on your quest, you are most welcome. Leave a comment, and I will follow you.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I'm sorry (but huge update and good news!)

Whoa, it's been almost a month since I last posted... I'm sure you didn't miss me, but still, sorry.
I'm doing, well; a mix of good and horrible.

Good: I'm losing weight, at the very least.
I broke the block on 54. When I weighed in this afternoon I was 51,8.

HEY. Oh. My. GOD.
I just weighed in again, to be sure of what I was saying. I was 51, blank. Holy --!
I haven't been here since I did gymnastics, I think. I'm gonna go check the window for any flying pigs, ok?

My bosslady noticed I lost weight. She tried to force feed me (failing, luckily), but still. First one to comment on it.

Since the beginning of april I lost between 7/7,5 kilos (15.4-16.5 lbs), my BMI has gone from being 22,7 to 19,9. And it's evening, and I've even eaten a bit today. Not much.
I'm planning on fasting tomorrow as well, but there might be a few beers on the horizon. Not many, mind you, I got work in the morning.

My waistline has gone from 76 cm to 68 cm as of now. It might be different in the morning, I'm not certain.

-So FUCKING bad. I feel like shit, and it has little to do with eating.
It's partly because of that guy [Chase], and I don't know if I want to strangle him or hang myself.

-My mother found out about my throwing up and is acting batshit insane. I can see why she's reacting, I know I would, but she has crossed the line.
We haven't spoken for days, and I'm avoiding both her and my home.

-I am THIS close to reaching what has been my ultimate goal since I started, and it's insufficient.
Apparently, I'm striving for "perfect" rather than "good" afterall. Shucks.

There was more to the "naughty" list, but I like the "nice" one, so I'll forget.
Here are some before and after pictures, even though I'm slightly embarassed:

The first two are from earlier this year, but with about the same weight I started with (add/take 200 g). I wonder why they're called "Happy Meals" and "Love Handles".

The one below is from May.

Then two from June 3rd:

And finally these, from today:

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Day 2 - Here comes the sun

Day 2 is going great. The weather is wonderful.
I'm a little reluctant to write that "everything is well", because anything can happen. But as long as FOOD doesn't happen, I'm satisfied. I wonderwall what my current weight is, but this time I won't fret over the 54 limit break, I'll just NOT step on the scale and silently pass it by. HAH.
I finished my Powerpoint presentation on Washington state, I turned in the semester essay and I have another math test this friday that I kind of did not know about.
Ah well. I'm in my base, drinking my coffee.
I have some time to write my OWN stuff now, my short stories and what not. I'm so glad I'm through with the essay. This actually leaves some free time.
My English probably sucks ass here, but hey, I promise I'm better in my mothers tongue.
Hope you're doing great, hope I'm going to do great. "Uptown girl" playing on the radio....
Lots of love and the likes.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Drag Me To Hell

I'm ready. Ana, hit me with your best shot. Hunger pains, headaches, tiredness, sleepiness, BRING IT BITCH.
I hate you. I also love you. But I will take you down.
Have you ever thought about it? Surrendering to ana is like selling your soul at the crossroads.
She helps you with your wish. A little pain, the loss is your gain. And when you're done?
Ana remains. Yeah, well, maybe you start exercising 3 times a week. Maybe you eat healthy.
But that consciousness? That conscience? You will probably not be able to eat a big meal at BK, or MacDonalds without feeling the slightest guilt. Not like your friends that hork it down and look like they won the Jackpot, like Happy Meals really makes their sunny day rather than the pitch black cloud hanging over you, that itchy feeling in your stomach that can feel like your highschool crush just ran over your family dog, Sparky.

I'm gonna make it this time.
Lose those kilos. The decade is ours. Every single one of us can do it this year. I won't be in the group that didn't make the cut. Will you?
Ana, here's my soul, here's my conscience, it's yours. Just make me thin, make me beautiful.
Fuck me over.
One day, I'll return the favour. Just lend me some strength for now.

Day 1 - Loops, but not fruity

Frankly, this is really embarassing to write. I'm ashamed. Pic kinda related but not really. It's my potty and I'll cry if I want to?
There's been birthdays, not mine, and red days galore and with them a boatload of food.
Yesterday, it feels like I ate my own weight (altough that'd be impossible, seeing I'm a friend of Keiko's...8 my own w8) in food. I had... No, hang on. I had so much it would take too long to write it all down. There's probably none of the usual binge-foods I didn't have anyways. My plan was to say goodbye and start a minimum 2 weeks fast. Meaning at least until June 1st.
And note to self: NEVER gorge whiskey to try to catch up to everyone. I had been playing D&D and I got there late. Yeah, yeah. I'm a nerd.
I've never gotten that drunk that fast, or that ill that fast. ARGH.
A cute guy was looking after me now and then when I had to lie down. But he was a paramedics student so it doesn't count.

But yeah, day 1 fasting is going down. I overslept and missed school. I haven't thought about food yet. Which is good. As long as I can avoid my mother trying to feed me. But I will.
I will spend today sorting out my thinspo, saving up energy and sleeping a lot, drinking tea, cleaning and doing homework. Constructive.
Astonishingly, my current weight is not all that bad. Not as bad as I thought it would be.
Especially considering yesterday's candyicecreamburgerkingchocolatecakepotatochipsodacereal- spree.
And this time around, everything that could make the fasting hard is tomorrow which is not going to be hard since it's only the second day. Presentations of essays, tests, lots of homework deadlines etcetc.
and this weekend. My stepsisters birthday. But I will weasel myself out of that one, whatever the cost. Go to the city, go see a movie, get the hell out of the house. And that will be it. Nothing more. I've had it with these birthdays!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Forgive me Ana, for I have sinned

As for the 7 deadly sins, I think I've commited all of them at some time.
But today and yesterday, gluttony was a friend of mine. Awful. One of the biggest binges I ever went on. There's about no way I'm stepping on the scale in the near future. I'm gonna try my best to go through with the fast from now. If everything fails, monday is last resort and there's no way I'm NOT doing it from there. Personal reasons. Sorry I'm a disappointment, failures ain't pleasurable to read.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Start over

I won't lie. I have an exam today. I was sleepy and couldn't study at all plus I'm on my period. So I ate. I BINGED. I'm horrible.

I want to do this SO bad, and I know I can't avoid drinking this sunday- but then I won't eat.
And until then, I won't eat. And it's my brothers birthday today, so I have to dodge cake and shit.
I still have so much work to do in school, I can't believe this is blocking for me. It sucks.
Maybe if I hadn't gone to the gym on monday...
Ew. I'm fat. I wa 55,2 this morning. Disgusting.
This will be the MNF day one, and although I'll have beer on sunday, I won't eat after that either.
And no juice.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Spring is here

Quick morning update. I'm going to see my psychiatrist, so I will start school later than usual.

I hate periods. Curses. How will I even get an accurate number on the scale now? I'll have to wait longer. ARGH.
I met Chase randomly yesterday-
it was just weird. I don't know. I'll have to stop being so stupid. I can't be an easy way out, I won't be.
Screw that. I won't be your rebound girl, your last resort, your dog on a leash always tagging along willingly, gladly, reluctantly.

He was going on about pollen yesterday. Apparently he's pretty much allergic to everything but grass pollen. I'm glad I'm not. I'm allergic to cats and pet rats. No foods though... Sigh.

Thank you, all my 10 followers! I love each and every one of you! Hope you're getting all the results you wish for. Keep going strong.