This is my ribcage. If you're not here to support, get out. If you're an outsider, get out. However, if you are here on your quest, you are most welcome. Leave a comment, and I will follow you.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Hello there. I'm obese. I was 55 this morning, but could have been a lot less. I failed my mini fast. All in all i've lost (if i haven't gained again...) 3,4 kgs since the start of the mnf (8,5 lbs)
5 to go, in the first round. I'm gonna do better. I AM.
Today i've eaten some cottage cheese, an eggwhite with chili powder, cucumber for breakfast.
Lunch was a salad with dressing (gah!). In between was an orange and 1 and a half pear.
Protein Shake and workouts later on. Uncertain for tonight, but if i end up binging god forbid i know i won't live with the guilt. I'll purge. I hope i'll manage to stay away.
Drinking and grilling tomortow will do enough damage...
Oh. And my friend told me she saw Chase and MM in the city last night. Fuck. I mean, it could have been nothing. I just took it for granted that they weren't seeing eachother since she got a bf.
I sure hope she hasnt ended it with him. She and Chase used to be on and off about ALL the time.
Like Rachel and Ross in that show, Friends.
Better be just friends. There must be a reason why you always broke up, right?
I've liked him -er loved him- for three years now. He's the only person i'd do anything for.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

iScream for ice cream and sexual harassment

Day 2 of the fast - success. I really wanted to eat something a while back. But I found something else to do instead (I'm watching "Supernatural" and drinking rooibos tea).
Also, I've eaten ice cream (or a popsicle anyways). But the thing with ice cream as long as it's plain is that as long as I drink water on the side (it works without it but it's easier if you do) I can throw it up again without purging. And unlike other foods I can rid myself of it near to 100%.
Everyone in class loved the Oreo-truffles. Two other persons brought cakes, but I was basically harassed, so they must have been good. Shame I couldn't taste. One boy said he wanted 500 by tomorrow, another said "Marry me please. Have my babies." and one girl said "Would you mind if I showed my appreciation for your cake in a rather unorthodox way?" and I said "No, sure" and she cupped my breasts and ran off. Gah!

Well, anyway. I kind of envy my mom a little. She's on a protein shake diet. She drinks 3 bags of that stuff a day. They're 170 kcal each. Which makes [quick thinking] 510 kcal in total. But she's fat. And there's like no way in hell she'd let me pull something like that. And it's expensive.
Bleh, if I ever turn out like her, I'll probably commit Harakiri. With a harpoon.
I've lost count on how many failed diets she's been on...

I've bought meatballs to grill this friday, and baby corn, champignons and paprika. I can hardly wait.
But that doesn't mean I'll binge and fatso raid. I'll bring just the amount I'll eat, and no more. There's 500 grams. Each 100 gram is 198 kcals. There's no way I'd eat half a kilo of turkey meatballs, and with it 1000 kcal. But regardless, I'm riding my bike home, which is about 10 kilometres away, so at least I'll get some exercise no matter what. And at least I don't have to do it on an empty stomach, although I'll probably be drunk off the bat. I hate that beer and whiskey are so calorie-rich...

Monday, April 26, 2010

On theeee road again

Behold! The drop-dead gorgeous (and skinny) Nakashima Mika. My favorite thinspo of the now. Dumping more later, this will do for now.

Finally back on track. Jeez, about time. Luckily I didn't gain so much, so the first part of the fast was totally worth it. I'm hoping to be about 54 kilos before friday.
So yeah, we're going out to celebrate this friday. This means grilling, which I AM going to be a part of, but not hot dogs and shit. Shish kebab with vegetable or meatballs with vegetables or something of the likes, I think. No drunken kebabing or tours to 7-Eleven and BK.
This is the night of the year I usually get the most raging drunk.
I have 5 (imported; and stronger than regular) beers and 0,3 l single malt whiskey in the jar-o. There might be more to come, I'm afraid.
But I am fasting until then. Day 1 went perfectly fine. I'm a little proud of myself, because in English II class we have this thing on tuesdays.... Tuesday is cake day.
It's my turn. I've made Oreo-truffles, and I didn't taste it. What you do is you crush oreos with philadelphia (sort of like cheesecake batter...) and cover it in melted chocolate. Who's got the [will]powah?

Another thing that sucks is I have to attend a Bar Mitzvah (just not jewish. BM's are jewish, right? There's just no other word for it. It's Christian though) this saturday. Fuck fucketty fuckfuckfuck. There's gonna be a buffét. But then again, I can eat vegetables, fruit, eggs (at least whites) and maybe a tiiiiny bit of white meat as long as it is not fried. Hopefully I'll be so hungover I want to throw up rather than binge though. No cakes. Absolutely not.
Someone once told me that prawns (when raw) are negative calories. The hell? That's impossible right?

I'm also joining the second part of the MNF, but I doubt that I'll be doing it until June 1st.
And I'm considering starting kickboxing. I think it looks awesome, it's a great and tough workout, and I get to release a lot of bottled-up anger. Huzzah.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Made you feel better

I'm doing better now. Restricting went ok yesterday (if you look away from the goddamn CAKE one of the girls in class baked for english... I took the smallest piece I could find though, which is good). I'm now 56,2 kg on my period. At least that's SOMETHING. I've lost 2,2 kg since the MNF started.
Today I'm going to go to the café again. I feel really motivated, when I sit there I don't think about food at all and I go into super-productive mode. Today I feel better and I'm going to try a fast.

I forgive myself

Okay, I know I said this and that and I've been bad, but I thought about what Ninah said about restricting. I just need to restrict right now for a little while and fast the days I don't feel exhausted (but not binge the other days though), because right now school is killing me. Finals coming up etcetra etcetra, and a semester assignment. I fall asleep the moment I come home. I can't do this if I'm going to finish this ever. But I'm going to try my best. I will be 50 by june, easy.
Today I've eaten 1 apple, 1 pear and a small plain baguette with nothing on it. I needed this.
I don't know what I weigh. I really want to fast too, but I need to focus on school. I can hardly wait for summer...

Monday, April 19, 2010


Edit: Ninah and gottabsomebody: I just want to thank you. You really helped with your comments which I didn't read until after I posted! I felt really bad for today, and weren't motivated to begin with... I'm sort of bad at restricting though, it's either all or nothing sort of. Because I have so much to think about it's easier to just think "no food" than counting calories and planning meals day by day.
Again, thanks so much, I wish you nothing but success in anything you wish to accomplish!

What am I DOING?! My top priority is still to not get caught, but I can't just give in when someone offers me food. It was a lot easier to resist last week. I need to get back in track. Today has been an endless failure, and it needs to stop. NOW. This is the end and the beginning. I'm fasting until 1st of May. Starting now. I won't count the days, I'll make the days count. I will not admit defeat.
After May first (hopefully I'll be 50 kg or less by then, but I won't step on the scale until I'm there) I will eat fruit, veggies and soft foods for about a week, and exercise. A lot.
After that I'll try to establish a healthier relationship towards food. With food high in fiber and proteines and low on empty carbs. And I want to build some abs and muscles.
I will do this. Tomorrow is a perfect day to start, I have school, then a few hours to drink coffee in a café, then a meeting and after that I can basically just go to bed.
I'll keep it up. I mean come on, only 11 days. Less than two weeks.
What sucks though is that this girl in my class who is not very talkative is hosting this get-together at her place. "Cake eating meeting". I really want her to be more included because she seems so nice, and I want to be there. But I need to prioritize this.
Because the rehab-ana in my class (let's call her "Red") will notice at once. She has a hawkeye out for all the girls in class I think.

Anyways, I'll have to think up an excuse. Today I've been binging and purging and I feel fat and disgusting.
There's no way I'm stepping on the scale. Not in 11 days. Until then I'll just be fat and ugly and avoid full figure mirrors.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Goo goo g'joob

I feel unbelievably fat, horrid and disgusting right now.
I stayed over at a friends place last night. It was me and 4 boys (I mostly keep guys for friends, to skip the drama and they are a lot more fun to hang out with + they share the same interests as me). I couldn't risk them telling on me (to my 2 best girl-friends, I think they might...) so I ate and broke the fast after 120 hours. DAMN IT!
And since I stayed over, it continued in the morning and now it's night and I'm gonna have to fast tomorrow. I don't even dare to step on the scale now... I am the lardfucking Walrus.

Those last days before I broke it, I felt like complete shit though. I was dead tired all the time, I fell asleep the second I laid down, I couldn't concentrate, and let alone exercise much.
I was also rather pissy at times. Well, it's back to that now I guess.
I will do this, I will do this. I might have to break again in the future, but I'm sure as hell not giving up.
50 kg by June is my goal. I think it's rather realistic.

Too depressed to post pictures, sorry girls. I hope you're doing better than I am.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Understand that Ana wrapped you like a bow

Day 4: Wow, this was unexpected. I weighed myself this morning. I was 55,5 kilos. This means I've lost 1,4 kilos since yesterday! (3,5 pounds)
I haven't really broken the fast, but I've been slacking off a little today. Only because I'm really tired, and I lost about as much I expected to lose in 3 days plus in a single day.
But yeah, I haven't eaten anything solid, but I've been drinking a blueberry tea resembling juice, and it's kind of sweet. It's to strengthen my immune system, because it kind of sucks. And when I'm sick, people around me are pushing all the time to get me to eat and drink.
Yeah, and I've had some liqorice mints. But they were really small...
And I also chewed food and spat it out so that my stepdad would see (not the spitting, of course).
I rinsed with water though. I don't think I swallowed anything, if so they were not much more than particles.

I'm so proud, because I've never fasted this long before. And the results are truly amazing...
95 hours, I've lost 3 kilos and my BMI has gone from 22,7 to 21,5.
Can hardly wait to get past 55, and not to MENTION 54! I haven't been on 53pointwhatever. I can't remember being below 54,3.

Hope you're doing good! Keep it up, it pays off and gets easier (although I've been a little tempted today... I might stop at 50, it all depends.)

PS: I've dreamt 2 nights in a row now that I was being force fed. It was a huge relief to wake up.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Slowly, but surely

Day 3. Is this seriously supposed to be the hardest day? Please. Easier than yesterday. Yesterday I was so dead tired I fell asleep in the afternoon.
I was very close to fucking it all up though, but I lured myself out of it.
I was at the café I used to work at, drinking coffee (I think I had about 6 cups and 1 cup of tea... Whew) and talking to my ex-boss (I think she enjoys this).
She suddenly decided after reading recipes that she wanted to try and make fried onion rings. She urged me to have one, I said only a small piece, "I'm not that fond of onion". I chew it, went behind the corner pretending to wash my hands, spat it into a paper tissue and rinsed my mouth thoroughly with water.

As if this was not enough, at first she asked if I wanted soup. Or bread. I'm sure these will be convenient offers when I move out, but not now. I said "No thanks."
Then she asked how long it was since I ate, and I said I just did.
After the onion affair, she even cut off a piece of apple cake. I'm sure it would have been delicious, because Rose, the lady who bakes for the café is really good.
But I didn't even want it.

There's one thing that makes me anxious though. In my class at school, there are quite some girls who has been or still are Ana. One of the girls stopped by and had a coffee with me. She has had the most serious case. Once she fasted for around 30 days (even though she was pretty skinny beforehand...) and ended up in the hospital before she was sent to a clinic in our neighboring country. She ony got to go out to draw fresh air, supervised.
She weighed about the same as a 6 year old girl.
Anyways, she talked to me about ED's, because she's being suspicious of one of the girls in class.
She said that she looked like she had lost a lot of weight lately, and we know that she has had anorexia before. I didn't notice at all...
She said she was very observant when it comes to this because she's been there.
I hope she doesn't notice too much on my side, no one knows about my complicated relationship with food and I'd like it to stay that way.

I get to work this weekend. For one day, but better than nothing. If I can't get a job soon, I'm going nuts, I swear.
I talked a little bit to my (hopefully) roommate to come today. I need to stop liking him as more than a friend. I'm downright pathetic. No, really. I've tried to give up on him so many times already, but he gives such mixed signals I have no clue what to think anymore. Screw it.

I weighed myself this morning. I was 56,9 kg. Meaning I lost 1,5 kilos in 59 hours.
My BMI has gone from 22,7 to 21,9.
I'll keep it up, and I will weigh myself every 3 days.

Stay strong, everyone!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


So guess who broke the fast by being force fed PIZZA? Me.

...But then I woke up.
Gotcha there, didn't I? So I've been fasting for 44 hours now, and I'm still going strong. Day 3 is usually one of the hardest days though, right? That's tomorrow.
Anyway. I was serious before. This morning while I turned off my alarm and snoozed for half an hour, I dreamt that I was being force fed with pizza. By one of the extremely few persons I like in this world. Actually, he's my favorite person of all. He's the only person I ever fell in love with, and I haven't felt different in 3 years. I've almost won him over about 2 times now, but as for the time being, we're just friends. Alas, if I can only get that job we'll be moving out together this summer. As friends. But I'm ok with even that, because I like him so much merely as a person.
But yeah, he might be the only one I couldn't refuse if it came down to it, and he asked if I wanted pizza (hahah, my mother just called downstairs this very moment IRL. "Do you want pizza?" I replied "No thanks.") and when I said no, he fed it to me. I was so upset because I broke the MSF, and I woke up with a sweaty forehead. Glad it was a dream.

I don't think he would ever do something like that for real though. Besides, he can be very absent minded, so if I haven't become thin, established a healthy eating/exercising pattern by the time we move out I'm not sure if he'd notice me not eating. Or maybe when it comes to dinner, but I can say I ate out and the rest is cakewalk.
But then again, he'd probably want to split money for dinner. Hm.
But if the MSF works (no, when it works) I will have laid a great foundation for being happy with myself and healthy.
Today I've had 1 juicy fruit gum and 3 or 4 cups of coffee. When I bought coffee at 7 eleven though, they had some bargain offer and I was thinking "Wow, that looks good, I should buy that" but then I remembered, hey, I'm on a fast. Everything suddenly looked so good, and I wouldn't mind eating pizza either. But I won't.
The weaker I feel, the stronger I am. Come to me, dizziness, come to me weightloss.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Why don't you get job...

28 hours now. Sorry, I was so bored I just wanted to update. Anyways.
I've been all over applying for jobs. Seriously, I'm not even picky anymore, as long as the wage is OK. I just need a job. ASAP. Yesterday. Pronto.
If I can't move out this summer I'm going to lose it for sure. But in this stupid university student inhabited city, they take up almost all the jobs. Plus I'm 17 until december just to make things harder.
I might get a job at a hotel from July/August though, but still... I need one now.
I'm actually considering turning in a resumee at Mc D's tomorrow. This is how low I've sunk.
On the other hand though, I don't really like Mc Donalds and I don't think I would want to touch burgers and fries after working there. Have you seen the fries and the fat they fry it in? Disgusting! They're DRIPPING afterwards for cripes sake.
Besides, when I'm working I can say "I ate at work" when I come home, and when I'm working I'm preoccupied so I don't think about eating. Even when I worked at Subway.
So this was just me ranting really.
Hope you're all doing good!
You know what to stay.

Heave ho and a cup of coffee

Hello, girls. Hope you're doing good on your MSF, or your other missions. I started today. I've gone 19 hours without food, and I'm not hungry at all. I know, I know, it's not much of an accomplishment yet... Gahh. I feel bad for being one day behind, but good for joining anyway.
But I've noticed that it's a lot easier to fast if you set the goals high - if your goal is to fast 2 days those 2 days will be alot harder than they would be if they were part of a 2 week fast. I think a lot of the hunger is in your mind (though of course not all of it)
Thanks a lot, Determined Girl, for liking my pictures! Ana are you there? also, thanks for liking the skirt, heheh.
Here's a link to a similar skirt: Skirt II
Here's the one I bought: Skirt I
And here's the one I bought, only darker: Skirt III
I love these. Actually, I love shopping clothes at Ebay period...

I discovered a really cute store in my city -- It had a lot of household articles (plates, cups, teapots and such), the cheapest I've seen since Ikea! And a lot of other things. Coffee, tea, lighters, canvases, paint, candy (although this is now IRRELEVANT!), pillows and.... mostly everything. And the designs were really pretty.

Right now, to avoid dinner, I'm in a coffee shop. The one I get free coffee is closed on Mondays, so here I am with a double americano doing homework and avoiding food. Cheers!
There's too much blood in my caffeine systeeeeem~
So, the one above is me... The rest are not.

Sunday, April 11, 2010


Okay, so yesterday (it's 1.30 am now) I bid farewell to food for a long time. I ate a lot though. Eheh.
I am so motivated to start the MSF now, and you girls all seem so inspiring and very nice.
I'm certain we can make it. I'm looking forward to posting and seeing before and after pictures.
What sucks though, is that the night before the first of May, we always go out to celebrate. Always. And it's usually one of the best days of the year to me, and one of my best friends keep talking about it all the time nowadays. I think I'm gonna have to break my fast to drink that day... But I'll try to choose carefully and not overdo it by horging beer (my alcohol tolerance is pretty high, I can do in about 2 sixpacks...), and instead drinking diet soda and vodka or something.
Alcohol is something I'm gonna miss during this fast. No parties for me.
But the ideal is spending the money I would buy food or drinks for on cigarettes and coffee.
I mean, catching the bus before school, grabbing a cup of coffee somewhere, finding a bench somewhere in the morning sun, lighting up a cigarette whle listening to music and watching people stress by is close to bliss.

So yeah, today I've been stocking up on thinspo and watching both the Nana movies. I really like them, and the manga. The anime is also good, I love Anna Tsuchiya's voice.
I especially like Osaki. Her style is rather similar to my own. But both she and Hachi are SO skinny and lean in the movies.

Oh! And I bought a skirt today. In size M. Who knows, maybe I'll fit into an S soon enough.
But these sizes are rather small though, so M is fine right now. Besides, skirts can easily be fit.

Awesome Spring Thinspo & a Midsummernight's Dream

Ok, so I decided to join Hitomi and Ana are you there?'s "Midsummer Night Fast", but starting tomorrow since I already ate today. I've eaten lots of oat and veggies today to build up a little before the fast (it's okay, the scale is pretty much stuck at this moment) and the things in our cupboards I craved. Potato crisps (a bit too many perhaps...), bread, cereal and 8 smarties. I still have dinner and supper to go. I'll have 2 eggs for supper I think. What are the best food to eat prior to a fast? It's a little late now since I'm starting tomorrow, but anyways I'd love to know for future reference. I've heard that you shouldn't binge.

Anyways. This is a huge thing for me. Not eating until 1st of May? It's gonna be rough. I might not be able to carry through all the way if people around me start noticing, but I will try my very best. Who knows, I might just manage. The longest fast I did without having the flu or anything was 3 days as far as I remember. And it was very effective, only those days, so I'm very excited.
And on the 1 week break (if I AM doing the break though) I'll eat fruit and veggies, and double 0% yoghurt. and protein shakes I guess.

Well, yeah. So I usually fast 1-2 days at a time. I drink coffee, water, tea without sweetener and cola zero. In addition, I'm a smoker so I tend to smoke a bit more during fasts. I also chew sugarfree gum a lot, because I don't want fasting breath. Because fasting breath smells like something died in your mouth...

By the by, I have more spring/summer in the coming thinspo if you liked these.