This is my ribcage. If you're not here to support, get out. If you're an outsider, get out. However, if you are here on your quest, you are most welcome. Leave a comment, and I will follow you.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I'm sorry (but huge update and good news!)

Whoa, it's been almost a month since I last posted... I'm sure you didn't miss me, but still, sorry.
I'm doing, well; a mix of good and horrible.

Good: I'm losing weight, at the very least.
I broke the block on 54. When I weighed in this afternoon I was 51,8.

HEY. Oh. My. GOD.
I just weighed in again, to be sure of what I was saying. I was 51, blank. Holy --!
I haven't been here since I did gymnastics, I think. I'm gonna go check the window for any flying pigs, ok?

My bosslady noticed I lost weight. She tried to force feed me (failing, luckily), but still. First one to comment on it.

Since the beginning of april I lost between 7/7,5 kilos (15.4-16.5 lbs), my BMI has gone from being 22,7 to 19,9. And it's evening, and I've even eaten a bit today. Not much.
I'm planning on fasting tomorrow as well, but there might be a few beers on the horizon. Not many, mind you, I got work in the morning.

My waistline has gone from 76 cm to 68 cm as of now. It might be different in the morning, I'm not certain.

-So FUCKING bad. I feel like shit, and it has little to do with eating.
It's partly because of that guy [Chase], and I don't know if I want to strangle him or hang myself.

-My mother found out about my throwing up and is acting batshit insane. I can see why she's reacting, I know I would, but she has crossed the line.
We haven't spoken for days, and I'm avoiding both her and my home.

-I am THIS close to reaching what has been my ultimate goal since I started, and it's insufficient.
Apparently, I'm striving for "perfect" rather than "good" afterall. Shucks.

There was more to the "naughty" list, but I like the "nice" one, so I'll forget.
Here are some before and after pictures, even though I'm slightly embarassed:

The first two are from earlier this year, but with about the same weight I started with (add/take 200 g). I wonder why they're called "Happy Meals" and "Love Handles".

The one below is from May.

Then two from June 3rd:

And finally these, from today:

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Day 2 - Here comes the sun

Day 2 is going great. The weather is wonderful.
I'm a little reluctant to write that "everything is well", because anything can happen. But as long as FOOD doesn't happen, I'm satisfied. I wonderwall what my current weight is, but this time I won't fret over the 54 limit break, I'll just NOT step on the scale and silently pass it by. HAH.
I finished my Powerpoint presentation on Washington state, I turned in the semester essay and I have another math test this friday that I kind of did not know about.
Ah well. I'm in my base, drinking my coffee.
I have some time to write my OWN stuff now, my short stories and what not. I'm so glad I'm through with the essay. This actually leaves some free time.
My English probably sucks ass here, but hey, I promise I'm better in my mothers tongue.
Hope you're doing great, hope I'm going to do great. "Uptown girl" playing on the radio....
Lots of love and the likes.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Drag Me To Hell

I'm ready. Ana, hit me with your best shot. Hunger pains, headaches, tiredness, sleepiness, BRING IT BITCH.
I hate you. I also love you. But I will take you down.
Have you ever thought about it? Surrendering to ana is like selling your soul at the crossroads.
She helps you with your wish. A little pain, the loss is your gain. And when you're done?
Ana remains. Yeah, well, maybe you start exercising 3 times a week. Maybe you eat healthy.
But that consciousness? That conscience? You will probably not be able to eat a big meal at BK, or MacDonalds without feeling the slightest guilt. Not like your friends that hork it down and look like they won the Jackpot, like Happy Meals really makes their sunny day rather than the pitch black cloud hanging over you, that itchy feeling in your stomach that can feel like your highschool crush just ran over your family dog, Sparky.

I'm gonna make it this time.
Lose those kilos. The decade is ours. Every single one of us can do it this year. I won't be in the group that didn't make the cut. Will you?
Ana, here's my soul, here's my conscience, it's yours. Just make me thin, make me beautiful.
Fuck me over.
One day, I'll return the favour. Just lend me some strength for now.

Day 1 - Loops, but not fruity

Frankly, this is really embarassing to write. I'm ashamed. Pic kinda related but not really. It's my potty and I'll cry if I want to?
There's been birthdays, not mine, and red days galore and with them a boatload of food.
Yesterday, it feels like I ate my own weight (altough that'd be impossible, seeing I'm a friend of Keiko's...8 my own w8) in food. I had... No, hang on. I had so much it would take too long to write it all down. There's probably none of the usual binge-foods I didn't have anyways. My plan was to say goodbye and start a minimum 2 weeks fast. Meaning at least until June 1st.
And note to self: NEVER gorge whiskey to try to catch up to everyone. I had been playing D&D and I got there late. Yeah, yeah. I'm a nerd.
I've never gotten that drunk that fast, or that ill that fast. ARGH.
A cute guy was looking after me now and then when I had to lie down. But he was a paramedics student so it doesn't count.

But yeah, day 1 fasting is going down. I overslept and missed school. I haven't thought about food yet. Which is good. As long as I can avoid my mother trying to feed me. But I will.
I will spend today sorting out my thinspo, saving up energy and sleeping a lot, drinking tea, cleaning and doing homework. Constructive.
Astonishingly, my current weight is not all that bad. Not as bad as I thought it would be.
Especially considering yesterday's candyicecreamburgerkingchocolatecakepotatochipsodacereal- spree.
And this time around, everything that could make the fasting hard is tomorrow which is not going to be hard since it's only the second day. Presentations of essays, tests, lots of homework deadlines etcetc.
and this weekend. My stepsisters birthday. But I will weasel myself out of that one, whatever the cost. Go to the city, go see a movie, get the hell out of the house. And that will be it. Nothing more. I've had it with these birthdays!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Forgive me Ana, for I have sinned

As for the 7 deadly sins, I think I've commited all of them at some time.
But today and yesterday, gluttony was a friend of mine. Awful. One of the biggest binges I ever went on. There's about no way I'm stepping on the scale in the near future. I'm gonna try my best to go through with the fast from now. If everything fails, monday is last resort and there's no way I'm NOT doing it from there. Personal reasons. Sorry I'm a disappointment, failures ain't pleasurable to read.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Start over

I won't lie. I have an exam today. I was sleepy and couldn't study at all plus I'm on my period. So I ate. I BINGED. I'm horrible.

I want to do this SO bad, and I know I can't avoid drinking this sunday- but then I won't eat.
And until then, I won't eat. And it's my brothers birthday today, so I have to dodge cake and shit.
I still have so much work to do in school, I can't believe this is blocking for me. It sucks.
Maybe if I hadn't gone to the gym on monday...
Ew. I'm fat. I wa 55,2 this morning. Disgusting.
This will be the MNF day one, and although I'll have beer on sunday, I won't eat after that either.
And no juice.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Spring is here

Quick morning update. I'm going to see my psychiatrist, so I will start school later than usual.

I hate periods. Curses. How will I even get an accurate number on the scale now? I'll have to wait longer. ARGH.
I met Chase randomly yesterday-
it was just weird. I don't know. I'll have to stop being so stupid. I can't be an easy way out, I won't be.
Screw that. I won't be your rebound girl, your last resort, your dog on a leash always tagging along willingly, gladly, reluctantly.

He was going on about pollen yesterday. Apparently he's pretty much allergic to everything but grass pollen. I'm glad I'm not. I'm allergic to cats and pet rats. No foods though... Sigh.

Thank you, all my 10 followers! I love each and every one of you! Hope you're getting all the results you wish for. Keep going strong.

Day 5 - The Downfall of Us All

I don't even want to THINK about this weekend, which was just a big pile of fail.
But I'm back now. I've been fasting today and I've even gone to the gym.
I burned 400 calories.
Also, I realized that the fasting has killed my biceps completely. I'm about as strong as a pudding.

It was a bit embarassing, because even the guy behind the counter noticed that I hadn't been there for a long time. He COMMENTED on it.
And he also said "I looked foxy today." What the ruddy hell?
He's kinda old and bald [very] and big. It was funny.
I had a glass of AJ today (2 green apples).
The MNF is in works again. I was 55 this morning which is a wonder. Not only could I not fast this weekend, it was a complete takeoff. Fucking man on the fucking moon. FUCK.
But a lot was food weight I guess. I won't weigh myself before wednesday or thursday now. Hopefully, I'll be below 54, the big boss.

Today I learned something strange, it's been longer since my A and R has had sex than me. Half a year? ONE YEAR?! I would've gone insane for sure.
Especially weird for R, she used to be the biggest horndog ever.

I'm drowning in homework. I'm really stressed.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

She's the Queen of my Delusion

All in all considering, the outcome wasn't so bad. 54,4 kg. It's 1 days wasted labor, plus another where I should have done better. I want to work out today in addition to fasting, but I don't know if my cousin could show us the apartment or not. She hasn't called me back.
Still, it's that block! Like a really tough boss in a game...

It's still morning, I'm up earlier than usual.
Yesterday I inherited (uh) some more clothes from, pay attention, my mother's friend's daughter.
I overlooked some. Or rather a lot. Half of the clothes she threw out would be about as much as I have in my entire closet.
And there are a lot of brands, which personally I've never cared much for.
I've fallen in love with a pair of pants. They're camo. I remember when I was about 11, and I had a pair of camo pants I wanted to wear all the time. This one, however, is HUGE. I'm rolling up the ends and using a belt on the narrowest hole.
And there's this other really long black raincoat (but the fabric isn't, you know, all raincoatish).
If you button it up, it looks very lady-like. But if you don't, and this is exactly why I love it, it looks like it came straight out of the Matrix.
I've always, since the first time I saw the movie for the first time back in '99 (I was 7), wanted something like it.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Day Fail - Karma Police

Darn. I had to eat today. Not because I felt ill or anything (although I did a little), but because I was forced. By more than one source. I was already struggling to resist temptation, for the first time since I started. And lucky me, that's just the day people start noticing me not eating.
I was with my father for quite some time today. We went to the grocery store together. He said "Do you want pizza? I don't know how much to buy," and I said that I just ate.
"No you didn't, I've been with you for almost 5 hours and your lunch break is at noon."
Friends have also been offering, all the time. Just when I'm at my weakest. That's karma for you.
Karma's a bitch. But then again, so am I.

So that failed. I said I felt a little nauseous, but that didn't work either because he said that could be because I hadn't eaten, that I should try to eat some and that he didn't want me to pull any anorexia business or anything (honestly, he doesn't know. )
I managed to escape the pizza though, so I had salad with a very small amount of chicken, feta cheese and dressing, and some paprika chunks and 2 pasta pieces.
He said it was too little, so I also ate 1 green apple and a fat free yoghurt.
When I went to the bathroom, I vomited. My stomach is not used to getting food at this point, so it just came up. Not all of it, I'm sure.
This also happened when I came home, had an omelette (WITH CHEESE! IRK! My mother made it...) this other bread crumby thing, and a bowl of oatmeal.

But all in all, it's not that horrible considering I could've gone crazy and binged on bread (or toast) which I really want, and fries and chips and liqorice. These are the things I would eat. But I won't.
Yesterday, my mother had me look at some secondhand clothes she got from a friend, whose 26 year old daughter had cleaned out her closet. I wore a pair of Diesel jeans today, and I've never had any pair of jeans that expensive that I can remember, and a pullover.
My mom said I looked thin in them. Both of them.
What the hell. At first I thought she said the pullover looked thin, like the fabric.
Just wait until I look thin in whatever.
Do the day and let the day do you.
I'll start afresh tomorrow, energy renewed. Errr, I'll call it "Day 5" though.
Oh! That IS the official start of the MNF too though. I just got a little head start here. Sweet.
I was 54 blank this morning. Hopefully, I haven't gained too much. I have to break that block!
What sucks is that gym class was canceled, the teacher called in sick.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Day 4 - Chase This Light

Good morning, muses! (Well, at least it was morning when I wrote this, I will update the current on the end of this post.)

I couldn't help it. I had to run a status check. I was 54,4 this morning, after a cup of coffee.
Totally worth it, I lost 4 kg (8,8 lbs) since mid-april. 54 has always been a milestone, or rather a BITCH blocking the road shouting "Thou shalt not passsssss!", for me. I can't remember being below 54,3 actually. Which means I will probably want to weigh in tomorrow as well, just to inspire myself.

I am untouchable! Fasting is going great, I'm pretty energetic unlike last time. I'm really happy today. This might be Chase's fortune, or the fact that results are showing, but he is no doubt a motivational catalyst. I want to be as good as I can. It'd make me feel a lot better being rejected and know that I was the best I could be, than to feel like I could've made it if I tried harder. Personality wise, I won't change. And we get along great, so it's not a problem. I'm not saying I want him to want me for my body (I mean, he obviously doesn't mind that much), but what if I could be irresistable? Being beautiful is a great way to win someone over. In the long run, personality is what matters the most.

That's that, here's for the now:

I'm wearing the skirt I bought, which I like a lot. It's probably my favorite piece of clothing right now.
I have officially fasted for 96 hours now. If you don't count the beer. But hello, 54,4.
And I had a little OJ today, with the total content of one orange.
I also had to make people think I ate, so I had dinner. But I didn't HAVE dinner. I spit it all out, and rinsed my mouth thoroughly between each bite. I didn't accidentally swallow anything, and made sure that even the taste was gone after rinsing.
Me and my 2 friends made up, or there was really nothing to make up I guess. Just me being pissed that day. I came with them to shop, even though I kind of dislike shopping. But I tried on a dress in European size 34, and except for my boobs being squeezed to the extent that they almost popped out, it actually fit. Woah. I've been using 36 for a long time now.
My friend R told me "Not to sound rude, I do like your others, but that is one of the best looking dresses I've ever seen on you."
My belly is looking flatter. I think I'm going to post a progress picture tomorrow, although it might not be THAT big of a change.

What made today even better was that I ran into my father. He's out of the hospital, and he's looking good. Apparently it was his blood pressure or something. He had passed out in the bathroom of a mall, and next thing he remembered was waking up in the ambulance. When falling, he broke his phone (so that's why he couldn't call, I even saw proof. Plus he said he was even thinking about coming to my school and leaving a message for me to the seceretary).
He lost my number. Mine's not in the phone book. And I got hard solid proof about the phone.
Daddy dearest, I love you.
He's being so supportive of me wanting to move out, too. And he can't see why it should be an issue. This is JUST the kind of encouragement I need, and probably the main reason why I cannot stand my mother for the life of me. If all else fails, maybe I'll change legal guardianship, but I don't know how that works out (especially since he's an alcoholic), and I really shouldn't screw up the relationship I have with my mother even further.
Who knows, maybe I'm fretting too much over this. Maybe she'll let me go easy. I sure hope so, it would be so much smoother for everyone.
Also, I'm considering working out afterwards, but I don't want to wear myself out either. We'll see.

Hope you're seeing the results you want as well.
All the best!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Day 3 - Walk This Way

Still going strong! Even stronger, in fact. Nothing but double americanos, and make 'em triple, and water water water. The spring of life. I had some Cola Zero just now, and it kind of hurt drinking it. Weird. It got better though.
The only annoying thing about drinking so much is nature calls (and boy does it) about all the time.
Another thing I've noticed, and I have absolutely no idea if this is because of the fast or mere coinsidence, but my legs keep falling asleep. You know, pricking sensations. Yesterday at the café I didn't notice until I took a step. I broke down to my knees. It was quite embarrassing, really.
It might be nothing (but a little amusing actually), but I can't remember it ever being an issue before.
Also, today I've been having blue vision when getting up too fast. Sweeeet, the hunger pains I've been feeling seem like a really small price to pay as of now.
"Pain is just something you feel", my father says. True dat.
I've never felt like I could do this more than now. I know I can, I'm positive like two negatives.
And eating because it hurts too much starving is some major BS. It's all in your head (unless you've gone a really long time of course, or start experiencing things that could be severe), and more the fact that you are tempted.

My math test, on which I thought I was screwed [Cosine etcetc], went OK. I did 3/4 parts. If I did them correctly, now, that's a whole different question.

Hm, at this point I'm thinking that hey, maybe all I needed was a little sex. Haha, I've come to realize I sound like such a crackwhore on this blog right here. The truth: I dislike drugs, I only think weed's OK (Number of caused deaths throughout history: None) and I'm not cheap either. I'm very picky about guys. As I said, I only fell in love once. Because we're rather like-minded (in my humble opinion and expression anyways), and I think sex should be special. Unless really drunk. In that section I guess we're not so much alike. It's not that I don't want any, hell I could do 3-5 rounds a day. But not with just anyone. And I'm naïve, I ignore signals people are sending when they don't go well with the outcome I want. I'll stop going on about this until something happens now. So sorry. You must think me batshit.

My skirt arrived from Hong Kong today! About time. The straps are waaaay too long though. I'll have to sew them in. But it fit, and it's very cute.

I want your...

I'm updating from my iPhone, so please excuse errors, laziness and lack of pictures...

Anyways. Yesterday went fine, with a tiny slip-up which I couldn't help. Honestly. I still don't consider this actually breaking the fast, but I had a beer (100 kcal). Then again I got some unexpected exercise. Oh! And my waistline has minced by 4cm or so since last I checked, which is quite a while ago.

Now to how last night went down...
I don't know what's going on here. Chase was slightly tipsy egen I arrived. He'd been to Denmark and brought back heaps of cheap ale. He offered, I said no thanks. But he gave me one anyway. I had it. Oh well, we were drinking in his single bed while watching TV. I could feel his hand on my leg. We started kissing and this lead to that. I feel obese during sex. Disgusting. But quite worth it. This time I KNOW there were no strings... What made me feel bad is that he said it'd been 2 weeks for him, and he made it sound like such a long time.
And what might be worse is me not caring, and enjoying being taken advantage of.
I know he knows he shouldn't. I know he knows I still like him. I know. But I don't care. One day, when I'm thin and beautiful, I want him to fall for me. 
It made my day a lot better too. What can I say, I like smex. I almost missed the last bus at 11.55 pm. I wanted to miss it a little, but I don't like being a burden either. I ran, so SCORE! I got some more exercise. I also got yelled at this morning by my mother.

I hope this weekend works out... Sigh. Life is annoyingly complex sometimes. 
Today is day 3 and I'm doing better than yesterday. No cravings, no juice, only americanos, cigarettes and water.  

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

All you need is...

Take note that this post won't include thinspiration or anything. It's just rants and more rants, with a hint of rants. If you read between the lines, you might also locate some rants in there.

I just feel like letting my nervousity out on here... (sheeee's a semi-neurotic angsty teenager of action doobidoobidoo-ah)

I called my cousin. She said she's coming to the city this weekend, and that we might get the chance to see the appartment then. She also said "Is this okay with your mum then?"
Well see, that's the bulls eye of shit exactly. Thing is; (semi-colon. So literary. /tear) She's always really negative to all decisions I make. Most of the time. Even though I'm doing good in school, not failing any subjects and trying my hardest. But yeah. Apparently, she's worrying about my economy. Well. If I get that maids job undercover I'm fit. Plus there's only 5 months (counting from July, when I'm planning to move out) until I turn 18, and I'm more than capable of taking decisions like this for myself. I know, I probably sound like an immature kid here, thinking her parents are dummies. That's not the case. Me and my mother has had a very rocky relationship to say the least. I can't stand to be in the same room as her for a longer period of time. I don't like it, but that's the way the river flows.
My father is an alcoholic, lives in a place the size of a cupboard and blah-blah-blah.
In addition to this, she dislikes Chase. I think. She used to be his teacher, and was bitching all around (he's also my brothers friend, so he used to hang around). She thinks he's a slob or a lazy bum or something, hahah. Most people who don't know him well get this impression. It might be true to a certain extent, but everyone has flaws (and boy do I give a rats ass about his).

So there's that. My father fancies me moving out a grand idea, and he likes him. Me and my dad have always been hiveminds.
My stepfather is a bit sceptical, but not negative. Supportive.
My psychiatrist thinks it's for the best. And one thing is for certain, I'm going to raise hell if she refuses. I never ask them for anything. This is really important to me. In fact, I can't remember ever being this passionate about a decision ever.

Sorry for the endless rambling.
Nervousity, yes. I called him (cigarette fingers shaking), and told him about this weekend. He said it sounded good. There was this awkward silence at one point. I was blabbering like a moron. I hate talking over the phone. I hope it works out though, I'd like to see him.
We had,
-his proposition of course,
decided to move out as friends. Which definitely flies with me.

But then it got a bit awkward, after I visited and we didn't pay attention to the time. I missed the last bus, and he told me I could crash at his place. He has one single bed.
We were watching "American Dad", and he asked me if I was sleepy. I was dead tired.
He told me I could lay down if I wanted, so I did. Then he told me to move closer. I reconed he meant closer to the wall for better space, but he dragged me it to rest up against him. I was closing my eyes, ready to let Mr. Sandman do his thing, but I felt his gaze shift back and forth between the TV and myself.
I felt his breath against my chin, and he kissed me. I was carried away, said so-long-sucker and checked my sense of reason at the door.

We had sex (INTERCOURSE TO BE UNPROPER. Let me tell you 'bout the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees and the moon up above and a thing called love), and I fell asleep with his arms around me. I woke up some time during the night, and we were holding hands.
But the morning after, we didn't mention it. It slipped us by, and I guess that means an implied "no strings attached". He's basically horny most of the time.

But do you know how that feels? Having the only person you care more about than yourself, the only person you could die for (I might hate myself, but I'm also selfish. Aren't we all.), the only person you ever loved hold you, the only person whose smile can make you smile that much -kiss you...
Listening to his heart beating and the sound of his even breathing only to know that the spell wears off the second you almost wake up in his eyes.
For a little time there, I felt like the most blessed person in the world.

EDIT!: Oh em effing GEE stay-cool-but-I'm-giddy-like-a-schoolboy, life flows better with Visa (IRRELEVANCY DETECTED), sweet lord in heaven fuck me backwards and throw me a dime.
Yeah. He called me back. I'm going to his place afterwards (gotta finish math first), we're gonna watch a movie. Boondock Saints: All saints day to be exact. Sometimes things are good. Oh shit. I just realized I look like hell. OH WELL. Feels good man.
I'm retarded.

"The course of true love never did run straight" -William Shakespeare

Day 2 - Absence makes the heart grows fonder

This is true for love and food both. But I can do without the last one.

I feel like updating now, as I'm not sure if I can do it later... I couldn't resist this morning, I had to check. It's back to 56, so that's not bad. But now I really won't weigh in before sunday. I'm hoping to get down to 54. Also, I had apple juice again. With the total content of 3 green apples. Argh. But I still haven't broken the fast, so that's pretty neat.
Again, it's just the beginning of the fast. I'm still bummed that my coffee can broke.

Today, I've been feeling completely horrible. I wanted to smash someones face in, possibly my own. I'm sick and tired with everything.
Especially school. I've been acting pissy all day, people have constantly been asking me if something is wrong. Mostly because they love a good gossip. And two of my best friends, or supposdly so, have been really annoying. Like "Someone's in a good mood..."
Don't you just hate that? When people say "are you pissed" and the likes? It makes me a lot more annoyed than I was to begin with. What I hate the most is people who live on a pink cloud (Cloud 9?), a bubble if you will, and can't accept that other people can't be forced to share their values.

And the thing about my father being in the hospital again and all. He still hasn't made an effort to contact me, and I don't want to talk to him if he doesn't feel like I need to know.
I felt a lot better when I saw the comment Anna left me though. You seem really sweet(!), it cheered me up. I'm thankful to have followers, and I read a lot of your blogs although I don't comment so often. I should probably take the time though, because it really helps.
I won't desert this, I can make it this time.
Also, I was thinking about sitting down at my usual café if they're open. I'll call my cousin, who is basically my landlady to be, and ask if Chase and I can come see the appartment. I know what it looks like, but he doesn't. Then maybe I'll call him. I haven't talked to him in a long time, and I feel like I need it. Ew, I don't want to be needy though.
But yeah, I still feel like a pile of nothing. Or no, not nothing of course. That'd be great.
But I'm letting myself fill up on emptiness. Man isn't that a paradox.

List of things that I'm looking forward to:
The summer holidays
Moving OUT
Being thin
The release of my favorite band's new record (Disturbed - Asylum, release is some time this summer)
The convention
Work. Or earn money anyway.
-How pathetic is this list?

Oh dear. Yesterday, with A, he made me watch this video on YouTube. It was the most disgusting thing I ever saw. If I'd eaten anything, I'm sure I would have gagged. But then I thought that this just had to be the best catalyst on earth for resisting food and cravings! There's no way you want to eat after watching it. If so, you can't be right minded. If you want me to post it, just give me the word.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Day 1 - MLIA

(this is gonna include random ramblings because... I just have to)
Today went over fine. I had 2 glasses of AJ, which strikes me as bad, but it's the first day of a month long fast so I guess it's not all that bad.

Probably lost a LOT from this morning.
I don't even want to talk about the number... Okay, it was 57,8 which is horrifying.
I was going to do about a boatload of homework in a coffeeshop, but then my ex (or ex-fuckbuddyfenderbender I-dunno-what-the-hell-we-were) showed up, we went to his place and watched Danny the Dog. Yeah.
He offered me food and drinks every half an hour or so, but I kindly refused and had water.
And I noticed, because I hadn't seen him in a while, that he'd gotten really buff. Really.
His arms were huge. He works out all the time.
But then I also noticed a syringe on his livingroom table. Apparently he's also on steroids.

Hahah. If only his sugarsweet girlfriend knew. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not jealous or anything. After all, I was the one who ended it, and I wouldn't redo him for the life of me, but still. She's not my kind of girl.

I also saw MM in the city today. I haven't seen her in a while. She's not exactly beautiful, but she's skinny as hell and envy her for that. Among other things...
I just cling on to the hope that she's still seeing that guy and that Chase doesn't fall back on old habits.
He even said ones, while promising me gold and sunshine he couldn't keep, that "when they got together, it was basically because of the way she looked."
So that sets my standards high I s'pose.

I'll try to cope with this as best as I can, and just hope. Nothing else I can do really.
Otherwise, I'm glad that my brother has come to stay for a while. 500 kilometres is a long distance.
What we did last night was smoke a joint (again: don't misunderstand me. I'm not a stoner or anything. All in all I've smoked about 4 times), he played "Wonderwall" by Oasis on his guitar and we were singing to it. And then we watched some "Superjail!" one of the trippiest shows in history. I didn't get much homework done. Shucks.

Edit: Oh air head. I realize that I haven't actually explained Chase. Chase is the only person I ever fell in love with, going on 3 years without much outcome. We are, if things go according to plan, going to move out together this summer. As friends. I am so friendzoned I could friendzone your friendzone, biatch.
A (the ex) asked me a little about the appartment, and I told him what the rent was, what the place was like and so on. He said "Come on, ditch Chase and let me move in instead"
I just laughed in his face. Even though friendzone might be the lowest level in hell, there's no person in the world I'd rather live with. Not even Gerard Butler.
Started my fast today. I had a glass of Apple juice, but i'm converting to water tomorrow. Also, I'm not doing this but it's a good tip: you can eat cucumber during a fast. Cucumbers are high in vitamins C and A, they contain 95% water and are literally calorie free. I don't fancy cucumbers much though. The taste.
Anyhoo, I'm going to weigh myself this sunday. I'm excited.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Random spaz attack

I just realized someting horrible. My coffee press-can thing broke on friday. Fasting without coffee (well, there IS nescafe instant, but come ON I used to be a barista!) is gonna be harder.
I will have to buy a new one when... errr, IF I can get the money.

Curiouser and curiouser!

Whether you like it or not, here's some Alice-thinspo! Man, I adore Lewis Carroll.

Join the fast, anyone?

Oh God. Oh sweet mother of HOLY COW in heaven and the black holed PIT that is my apetite.
Seriously. I am bottomless.
I have been on an epiclong binge since... thursday.
I have commited treason against you and against ana, even mia, not to mention myself, whom I can't even look at in the mirror or heaven forbid step on the scale. If you're wondering, I'm not even religious.
Fuck. I'm positive that I weigh at least 58 kg now. To try to redeem myself, I am starting the second part of the MNF tomorrow since I broke it. If anyone wants to join, I'd be thrilled (it's only like... 5 days in prior, and monday is a good day to start don't you think?)!
So yeah. I'm probably back to square one, AGAIN, all because I've been extremely depressed. Food does not make it better by a long shot, but I couldn't help myself. Damn.
Everything goes to hell. He might be seeing her again, I don't know. I suck at everything, I'm tremendous, I hate most of the people I live with (aka parts of my family), I can't do anything right. Just now I met my aunt. She said she wanted to talk to me, and I said sure.
Then she asked me if my father was in the hospital and I said no way, I met him less than 2 days ago.
But she had talked to him today, and he said that he had been drinking coffee with me and my brother, he passed out and we called an ambulance and visited him in the hospital.
He didn't even bother to call me, just like last time, and he's lying through his teeth.
I just wonder if he hates me or what. And I wonder what's wrong with him this time.
I'm so tired of this, I want to look out for him but I can hardly look out for myself and he obviously doesn't want me closer than an arms length, possibly further.

I fail at life. I NEED to complete the fast this time. Sharp hunger pains are better than this "so full I can't even move" feeling I got now. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! I WILL MAKE IT!
... Won't step on the scale until next sunday, and no slip ups. Just comment and link to your blog if you want to join in early with me, ok? The rest of the ladies are on a break now.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Hello there. I'm obese. I was 55 this morning, but could have been a lot less. I failed my mini fast. All in all i've lost (if i haven't gained again...) 3,4 kgs since the start of the mnf (8,5 lbs)
5 to go, in the first round. I'm gonna do better. I AM.
Today i've eaten some cottage cheese, an eggwhite with chili powder, cucumber for breakfast.
Lunch was a salad with dressing (gah!). In between was an orange and 1 and a half pear.
Protein Shake and workouts later on. Uncertain for tonight, but if i end up binging god forbid i know i won't live with the guilt. I'll purge. I hope i'll manage to stay away.
Drinking and grilling tomortow will do enough damage...
Oh. And my friend told me she saw Chase and MM in the city last night. Fuck. I mean, it could have been nothing. I just took it for granted that they weren't seeing eachother since she got a bf.
I sure hope she hasnt ended it with him. She and Chase used to be on and off about ALL the time.
Like Rachel and Ross in that show, Friends.
Better be just friends. There must be a reason why you always broke up, right?
I've liked him -er loved him- for three years now. He's the only person i'd do anything for.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

iScream for ice cream and sexual harassment

Day 2 of the fast - success. I really wanted to eat something a while back. But I found something else to do instead (I'm watching "Supernatural" and drinking rooibos tea).
Also, I've eaten ice cream (or a popsicle anyways). But the thing with ice cream as long as it's plain is that as long as I drink water on the side (it works without it but it's easier if you do) I can throw it up again without purging. And unlike other foods I can rid myself of it near to 100%.
Everyone in class loved the Oreo-truffles. Two other persons brought cakes, but I was basically harassed, so they must have been good. Shame I couldn't taste. One boy said he wanted 500 by tomorrow, another said "Marry me please. Have my babies." and one girl said "Would you mind if I showed my appreciation for your cake in a rather unorthodox way?" and I said "No, sure" and she cupped my breasts and ran off. Gah!

Well, anyway. I kind of envy my mom a little. She's on a protein shake diet. She drinks 3 bags of that stuff a day. They're 170 kcal each. Which makes [quick thinking] 510 kcal in total. But she's fat. And there's like no way in hell she'd let me pull something like that. And it's expensive.
Bleh, if I ever turn out like her, I'll probably commit Harakiri. With a harpoon.
I've lost count on how many failed diets she's been on...

I've bought meatballs to grill this friday, and baby corn, champignons and paprika. I can hardly wait.
But that doesn't mean I'll binge and fatso raid. I'll bring just the amount I'll eat, and no more. There's 500 grams. Each 100 gram is 198 kcals. There's no way I'd eat half a kilo of turkey meatballs, and with it 1000 kcal. But regardless, I'm riding my bike home, which is about 10 kilometres away, so at least I'll get some exercise no matter what. And at least I don't have to do it on an empty stomach, although I'll probably be drunk off the bat. I hate that beer and whiskey are so calorie-rich...

Monday, April 26, 2010

On theeee road again

Behold! The drop-dead gorgeous (and skinny) Nakashima Mika. My favorite thinspo of the now. Dumping more later, this will do for now.

Finally back on track. Jeez, about time. Luckily I didn't gain so much, so the first part of the fast was totally worth it. I'm hoping to be about 54 kilos before friday.
So yeah, we're going out to celebrate this friday. This means grilling, which I AM going to be a part of, but not hot dogs and shit. Shish kebab with vegetable or meatballs with vegetables or something of the likes, I think. No drunken kebabing or tours to 7-Eleven and BK.
This is the night of the year I usually get the most raging drunk.
I have 5 (imported; and stronger than regular) beers and 0,3 l single malt whiskey in the jar-o. There might be more to come, I'm afraid.
But I am fasting until then. Day 1 went perfectly fine. I'm a little proud of myself, because in English II class we have this thing on tuesdays.... Tuesday is cake day.
It's my turn. I've made Oreo-truffles, and I didn't taste it. What you do is you crush oreos with philadelphia (sort of like cheesecake batter...) and cover it in melted chocolate. Who's got the [will]powah?

Another thing that sucks is I have to attend a Bar Mitzvah (just not jewish. BM's are jewish, right? There's just no other word for it. It's Christian though) this saturday. Fuck fucketty fuckfuckfuck. There's gonna be a buffét. But then again, I can eat vegetables, fruit, eggs (at least whites) and maybe a tiiiiny bit of white meat as long as it is not fried. Hopefully I'll be so hungover I want to throw up rather than binge though. No cakes. Absolutely not.
Someone once told me that prawns (when raw) are negative calories. The hell? That's impossible right?

I'm also joining the second part of the MNF, but I doubt that I'll be doing it until June 1st.
And I'm considering starting kickboxing. I think it looks awesome, it's a great and tough workout, and I get to release a lot of bottled-up anger. Huzzah.