This is my ribcage. If you're not here to support, get out. If you're an outsider, get out. However, if you are here on your quest, you are most welcome. Leave a comment, and I will follow you.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

All you need is...

Take note that this post won't include thinspiration or anything. It's just rants and more rants, with a hint of rants. If you read between the lines, you might also locate some rants in there.

I just feel like letting my nervousity out on here... (sheeee's a semi-neurotic angsty teenager of action doobidoobidoo-ah)

I called my cousin. She said she's coming to the city this weekend, and that we might get the chance to see the appartment then. She also said "Is this okay with your mum then?"
Well see, that's the bulls eye of shit exactly. Thing is; (semi-colon. So literary. /tear) She's always really negative to all decisions I make. Most of the time. Even though I'm doing good in school, not failing any subjects and trying my hardest. But yeah. Apparently, she's worrying about my economy. Well. If I get that maids job undercover I'm fit. Plus there's only 5 months (counting from July, when I'm planning to move out) until I turn 18, and I'm more than capable of taking decisions like this for myself. I know, I probably sound like an immature kid here, thinking her parents are dummies. That's not the case. Me and my mother has had a very rocky relationship to say the least. I can't stand to be in the same room as her for a longer period of time. I don't like it, but that's the way the river flows.
My father is an alcoholic, lives in a place the size of a cupboard and blah-blah-blah.
In addition to this, she dislikes Chase. I think. She used to be his teacher, and was bitching all around (he's also my brothers friend, so he used to hang around). She thinks he's a slob or a lazy bum or something, hahah. Most people who don't know him well get this impression. It might be true to a certain extent, but everyone has flaws (and boy do I give a rats ass about his).

So there's that. My father fancies me moving out a grand idea, and he likes him. Me and my dad have always been hiveminds.
My stepfather is a bit sceptical, but not negative. Supportive.
My psychiatrist thinks it's for the best. And one thing is for certain, I'm going to raise hell if she refuses. I never ask them for anything. This is really important to me. In fact, I can't remember ever being this passionate about a decision ever.

Sorry for the endless rambling.
Nervousity, yes. I called him (cigarette fingers shaking), and told him about this weekend. He said it sounded good. There was this awkward silence at one point. I was blabbering like a moron. I hate talking over the phone. I hope it works out though, I'd like to see him.
We had,
-his proposition of course,
decided to move out as friends. Which definitely flies with me.

But then it got a bit awkward, after I visited and we didn't pay attention to the time. I missed the last bus, and he told me I could crash at his place. He has one single bed.
We were watching "American Dad", and he asked me if I was sleepy. I was dead tired.
He told me I could lay down if I wanted, so I did. Then he told me to move closer. I reconed he meant closer to the wall for better space, but he dragged me it to rest up against him. I was closing my eyes, ready to let Mr. Sandman do his thing, but I felt his gaze shift back and forth between the TV and myself.
I felt his breath against my chin, and he kissed me. I was carried away, said so-long-sucker and checked my sense of reason at the door.

We had sex (INTERCOURSE TO BE UNPROPER. Let me tell you 'bout the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees and the moon up above and a thing called love), and I fell asleep with his arms around me. I woke up some time during the night, and we were holding hands.
But the morning after, we didn't mention it. It slipped us by, and I guess that means an implied "no strings attached". He's basically horny most of the time.

But do you know how that feels? Having the only person you care more about than yourself, the only person you could die for (I might hate myself, but I'm also selfish. Aren't we all.), the only person you ever loved hold you, the only person whose smile can make you smile that much -kiss you...
Listening to his heart beating and the sound of his even breathing only to know that the spell wears off the second you almost wake up in his eyes.
For a little time there, I felt like the most blessed person in the world.

EDIT!: Oh em effing GEE stay-cool-but-I'm-giddy-like-a-schoolboy, life flows better with Visa (IRRELEVANCY DETECTED), sweet lord in heaven fuck me backwards and throw me a dime.
Yeah. He called me back. I'm going to his place afterwards (gotta finish math first), we're gonna watch a movie. Boondock Saints: All saints day to be exact. Sometimes things are good. Oh shit. I just realized I look like hell. OH WELL. Feels good man.
I'm retarded.

"The course of true love never did run straight" -William Shakespeare

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