This is my ribcage. If you're not here to support, get out. If you're an outsider, get out. However, if you are here on your quest, you are most welcome. Leave a comment, and I will follow you.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Slowly, but surely

Day 3. Is this seriously supposed to be the hardest day? Please. Easier than yesterday. Yesterday I was so dead tired I fell asleep in the afternoon.
I was very close to fucking it all up though, but I lured myself out of it.
I was at the café I used to work at, drinking coffee (I think I had about 6 cups and 1 cup of tea... Whew) and talking to my ex-boss (I think she enjoys this).
She suddenly decided after reading recipes that she wanted to try and make fried onion rings. She urged me to have one, I said only a small piece, "I'm not that fond of onion". I chew it, went behind the corner pretending to wash my hands, spat it into a paper tissue and rinsed my mouth thoroughly with water.

As if this was not enough, at first she asked if I wanted soup. Or bread. I'm sure these will be convenient offers when I move out, but not now. I said "No thanks."
Then she asked how long it was since I ate, and I said I just did.
After the onion affair, she even cut off a piece of apple cake. I'm sure it would have been delicious, because Rose, the lady who bakes for the café is really good.
But I didn't even want it.

There's one thing that makes me anxious though. In my class at school, there are quite some girls who has been or still are Ana. One of the girls stopped by and had a coffee with me. She has had the most serious case. Once she fasted for around 30 days (even though she was pretty skinny beforehand...) and ended up in the hospital before she was sent to a clinic in our neighboring country. She ony got to go out to draw fresh air, supervised.
She weighed about the same as a 6 year old girl.
Anyways, she talked to me about ED's, because she's being suspicious of one of the girls in class.
She said that she looked like she had lost a lot of weight lately, and we know that she has had anorexia before. I didn't notice at all...
She said she was very observant when it comes to this because she's been there.
I hope she doesn't notice too much on my side, no one knows about my complicated relationship with food and I'd like it to stay that way.

I get to work this weekend. For one day, but better than nothing. If I can't get a job soon, I'm going nuts, I swear.
I talked a little bit to my (hopefully) roommate to come today. I need to stop liking him as more than a friend. I'm downright pathetic. No, really. I've tried to give up on him so many times already, but he gives such mixed signals I have no clue what to think anymore. Screw it.

I weighed myself this morning. I was 56,9 kg. Meaning I lost 1,5 kilos in 59 hours.
My BMI has gone from 22,7 to 21,9.
I'll keep it up, and I will weigh myself every 3 days.

Stay strong, everyone!

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